Eulogy for my grandmother

My grandmother passed away more or less peacefully this month. I gave this short speech at her funeral. I thought I would preserve it here for posterity because I review this blog more than my old letters and such. My grandmother was from a family of minor landed gentry who were dispossessed by the communists when they came to power in Hungary after WW2. I learnt a lot from her about conservatism, duty, tenacity, and other values that don't pop up much in my milieu, especially in Australia. She was also a vintage wog nona, which is something we should always celebrate. 

Ili Buli in memory

I just wanted to say a few words about Ili, my grandmother.

As most of you know I grew up in Australia, and only visited Hungary occasionally. Ili was for me always a very important link not only to the country, but to our history, which she embodied and lived amongst. I always smile when I walk into the apartment in Budapest and see all the old guns and military helmets.

Ili is the main thing I associate with Hungary. Especially Ili serving me endless pots of food in the summer house at Kaptalanfured. She seemed at her happiest watching me take third servings.

I’m sure everyone who has had the pleasure of dining at her table has similar experiences. We will miss the Porkolt and Tobos Torte, all the little biscuits at Christmas time, and her many different entre soups. A meal with Mami means three courses!

Cooking might seem like a small thing to mention at someone’s funeral, but for Ili cooking was existential.

Cooking was a way to love her family and friends, a way to be valuable to them, and a way to express her identity.

I didn’t appreciate this when I was younger. I thought Ili was outdated or something. She was educated and well read, and spoke so many languages (Australians only speak English, so for me this was the height of sophistication). Why did she spend so much time in the kitchen?

As I got older I developed more of an appreciation for how much Ili wanted to represent what she saw as the most admirable qualities of her generation, and why that was important for her.

Ili lived through the Second World War and the rise of communism, including the dispossession of our family’s lands and the erasure of its history. Ili spoke very little of it to me, but you could tell the wounds were deep.

In the few conversations I was able to have with her about our family’s past, she always spoke with reverence. She was especially emphatic about how good our family had been to the people who worked its lands. She wanted me to know that life back then was well ordered, honest, and stable, and as a result it was happy.

Ili lived with great love as the dutiful daughter, then the dutiful wife, and then the dutiful grandmother. Always caring, through her cooking and her company, for those around her. She personified, deliberately and stoically, the best qualities of that time before the communists, affirming their value through to the present day.

I have to extend at this juncture a huge thank you and debt of gratitude to Szello, who followed Ili’s example and cared for her for many years, but especially in the last year or two as Ili’s health deteriorated. I am awed by Szello’s efforts, which are the height of selflessness, and which I think deserve our highest regard.  

Ili’s life stands as a testament not just to the values she grew up with, but more broadly to how much good we can do simply by giving of ourselves for others, and for the future.

There is a saying I like, that a society grows great when old people plant trees whose shade they know they will never sit in.

Ili’s whole life was planting trees for others, in service to the future. A bridge between the beautiful days of her youth to a better tomorrow.

When I arrived at Kaptalanfured for this funeral I saw the gorgeous old trees in Ili’s garden, in whose shade I have spent summers since I was a small child, eating great food, drinking white Russians, and playing Bridge with my grandmother.

I will always treasure those memories, as I’m sure all those here will treasure their memories of our dear Matriarch. I hope will can all live up to her example of generosity, gastronomy, and grace.

To Ilona