Casual Intimacy

For a long time I’ve felt that the general discourse surrounding love and relationships has been deficient. It seems to oscillate between the two poles of casual sex and full-on ‘serious’ relationships, replete with labels and rules. My impression has always been that there is a word missing from this discourse – intimacy.

I can understand that for many people, casual sex is not good enough, and can even feel demeaning. The expression implies a lack of emotional space, or any real connection beyond the physical. In contemporary Australian culture, it is increasingly something you do ‘just for fun’, and a strictly a no-strings attached affair.

At the same time, an absolute devotion to ‘serious’ relationships also seems brain dead to me. In my experience, you can’t go looking for a serious relationship; you just have to fall into one. We aren’t adequately conscious of what we want to be able to go and find it. We need to stumble upon it.

I would also argue that the notion of a perfect match is flawed. While we might all want to think that we are going to be ‘more than adequate’ for someone and vice versa, the reality is that we are all complex creatures and have a variety of needs, desires and fantasies that are unlikely to be satisfied by one person. Even the most faithful of partners are going to look at others and wonder what they might be like.

So if casual sex is a bit vapid and the quest for ‘the one’ is misguided, what are we to do? Well first, I think we need to be honest about what we are seeking from others. Too many people who claim they are looking for intimacy are actually looking for a bolster to their feelings of insecurity. Everyone could use a lover to tell them they are special and perfect, so this desire is understandable. But if you simply can’t open yourself up to getting burnt, you might be a tad neurotic, and maybe need to spend some time improving your self-esteem.

If we’re genuinely seeking intimacy, then I think it is crucial we acknowledge that the opportunities are many, because everyone is looking for a connection. Our tendency to avoid them and invent rules and boundaries for their initiation derives comes from an unwillingness to get hurt. We wish to avoid the feelings of inadequacy that come with relationship failures. But a failure merely indicates that the union wasn’t suitable for long term amalgamation, and while it didn’t to evolve into that, it may have been quite a special and beautiful short term fling.

What’s crucial to understand is that every time we forego an opportunity for intimacy in order to protect our egos, we miss out on one of life’s more memorable and growth-inducing moments, not to mention the sublime experience of human connection.

We need to learn to be a little bit more trusting a little quicker. Throw caution to the winds, let someone in, put yourself out there, and be vulnerable, not just sexually, but emotional as well. Be less concerned about getting hurt and even about hurting others.

Between casual sex and serious relationships, there needs to be another area called ‘casual intimacy’. A liaison with no regard for the future or the consequences, with no rules or labels, that focuses on getting to know someone as well as you can. Perhaps it doesn’t work out, but often it will, and in any case, you will have lived.